


Ask Another Silly Question

by artificiallifecreator



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Auto Correct, Chatting & Messaging, Gen, Llamas, Puns. So many puns., Swearing, Top Gun (reference), bath bombs, fatalistic humour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2019-10-06 12:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17344919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificiallifecreator/pseuds/artificiallifecreator
Summary: ... and get a silly story about the BatFam!A home for ficlets inspired by chats and tumblr posts!(Please see "Ask a Silly Question" for Tim, Tam, Pru, and ninja!)





	1. Tim & BatFam

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous asked: What’s your favorite snack. I will buy you 666 of it.  
> swanqueenfeathers answered: Swedish fish dm me for my address as long as you send an assassin as well  
> ([source](https://swanqueenfeathers.tumblr.com/post/173432094321/whats-your-favorite-snack-i-will-buy-you-666-of))
> 
> Many thanks to Vellaphoria, to Ches 💥 and themandylion for Cass’ username, and to myosotis-tageteserecta for emoji advice!

**[realtedrobin is online]**

**realredrobin:** ra’s, i thought i made it clear that if you’re going to send candy to my home address, ffs send an assassin along with it. What part of “trying to kill me” do you not understand????

**[murder-most-fowl is online]**

**murder-most-fowl:** I only hVe one thing to say, timmers:

 **murder-most-fowl:** what. the. fuck.

**[fly-like-a-gray-guy is online]**

**[blood_son is online]**

**murder-most-fowl:** actually, I’m not done

 **[blocked]:** hence I had them sent to your work address

 **blood_son:** Typical of Drake to be this careless.

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** one: timmy i am very, very concentrated

**[NinjaBatman is online]**

**[NinjaBatman has gone offline]**

**[BigEggplantEnergy is online]**

**murder-most-fowl:** First, you take nqme. Then youbtake my spot in the fMily. Then you take my *other* name. Now you’re taking my jokes? For ducks sake, get your own humor! Deqd jokes are MINE.

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** oooooo so this is y cass ran outta here like

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** 😏

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** two: if you’re making mistakes like this, I think you necessity

 **BigEggplantEvery:** a bat outta hell

 **BigEggplantEvery:** 😎

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** YEAAAAAAAH

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** ffs *I think you need a nap

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** three: wtf, Tim?

 **murder-most-fowl:** Eggplqnt, I’m murdrring your copycat *just* for thqt.

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** sure you are sweetie 😊

 **blood_son:** Brown, I recommend making swift use of the aloe plant I so generously gifted you

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** Demon’s Root, Demon’s Leaf, or Bob? also y?

 **blood_son:** To treat the burn you so carelessly inflicted upon yourself, obviously.

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** ...

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** /motherforker/

 **blood_son:** Do not mistake my highbrow wit for Todd’s crassness.

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** PFFFFFFFFT

 **murder-most-fowl:** for a secondbthere I read “Todd’s carcass”

 **murder-most-fowl:** and then I rereD it and won’t be killing you todY :)

 **blood_son:** "Todd's carcass" would be apt.

 **murder-most-fowl:** aaaAnd murder is back on the table

 **blood-son:** Your Goose was cooked, Dead Head, and you never left the chat.

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** getting some popcorn~

 **murder-most-fowl:** hear thT, Baby Bat? That'sbthe sound of me loading an AK 47 and FARTING in your general direction.

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** OMG IM ACTUALLY CRYING

 **murder-most-fowl:** FIRING. FUCK. FIRING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.

 **realredrobin:** This is an automatic reply from Tim Drake-Wayne, former CEO of Wayne Enterprises:  
As of today, March 18th, I am formally submitting my resignation as CEO, effective immediately, and moving to Peru to pursue my life long dream of llama husbandry. It was great working with you, and I wish you all the best.  
—Tim DW

 **murder-most-fowl:** jfc, over reacting much?

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** Knitting needles: packed  
Llama wool sweaters: coveted  
Tim’s forcibly made to take me to Peru with him

 **blood_son:** Clearly Drake has finally understood he has no place here and has gone to be with his true kin. 

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** Damnit, Tim is NOT a barn animal

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** *DAMI

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** AUTO CUCUMBER FTW!

 **blood_son:** Obviously. He would be tolerable otherwise. He is, however, a drama llama.

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** eeeeeh identify give him half a bruce

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** *I'd only give him, wtf

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** hes only making tracks to the other heavy's me sphere

 **murder-most-fowl:** lmao

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** *hemisphere WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY PHONE

 **fly-like-a-gray-guy:** anyway: no sign yet of shacking up with a martial arts

**[fly-like-a-gray-guy has gone offline]**

**BigEggplantEnergy:** 😂😂😂😂😂

 **murder-most-fowl:** timbuktu is waaaqaay ahwad of you, dickiebird!

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** we are so screwed!!!

 **murder-most-fowl:** nah thatsbtimmu

 **murder-most-fowl:** NAH THATS TIMMY

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** im dead. u killed me with that AWFUL TERRIBLE HORRIBLE image and the pun's a double tap.

 **murder-most-fowl:** WTF IS WITH YOU TWERPS AND STEALING MY JOKES.

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** I WAS ALREADY IN THE DEAD ROBINS' CLUB JACKASS

 **murder-most-fowl:** Inconcede your point.

 **murder-most-fowl:** Book club this Tuesday?

**[BigEggplantEnergy has taken a screenshot]**

**BigEggplantEnergy:** just saving this for prosperity 😉

 **murder-most-fowl:** 🖕

 **BigEggplantEnergy:** but yes, put cass n me down for tuesday pls n thx!

 **murder-most-fowl:**  👍

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so, so tempted to use ‘Big🍆Energy’ for Steph. 
> 
> Jason’s other potential usernames were ‘DropDeadHandsome’ and ‘Murder_In_The_Hood’!
> 
> (Search terms: british-ify my writing, hence, hence why, halfabroose, timbuktu, html link, html emoji, blush emoji (emojipedia.org: smile, middle finger, thumbs up, wink))


	2. Tim & Kon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim, a bathbomb, a terrible mistake, and Kon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by tim drake hits that yeet & themandylion, this was oiginally written during a sprint on Feb05. I rediscovered it April25, polished it & added a couple more chunks (one's based off tim drake hits that yeet, the other's from an exchange with Myosotis and Shu).

**realredrobin:** Con

 **realredrobin:** Can I have a serious problem

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** uh sure? what kind of serious problem u after?

 **realredrobin:** UG no K O N I have a serious problem

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** ur heartbeat's fine

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** how can u have a serious problem

 **realredrobin:** I am floating in radioactive waste all caps help

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** diiiiid u fall into the harbor again?

 **realredrobin:** No

 **realredrobin:** I got a bath bomb

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** well thats ur 1st problem

 **realredrobin:** A caramel slice delight

 **realredrobin:** The add said its a pretty light beam Orianthi

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** wtf

 **realredrobin:** The advertisement said the color is a pretty lite cream orange ee

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** speech 2 text ftw!

 **realredrobin:** Up yours clone boy

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** <3 <3 <3

 **realredrobin:** Enya way, the advertisement did not say that this bath bomb is a giant mound of bright tassel sunshine yellow cocoa butter

 ** **AwesomeGuy:**** what color is tassel yellow

 **realredrobin:** Fuck speech too text seriously

 **realredrobin:** Bright donkey yellow

 **realredrobin:** Who the duck messed with my word replacement

 **realredrobin:** Bright A S S yellow

 **realredrobin:** The water is highlighter yellow

 **realredrobin:** Copy and paste the first line of “Mister Brightside” by The Killers send

 **AwesomeGuy:** u didnt say pls :D

 **realredrobin:** Duck you

 **realredrobin:** It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this

 **AwesomeGuy:** LOLOL

 **realredrobin:** It HURTS to look at

 **realredrobin:** MY EYES CON MY EYES

 **realredrobin:** I paid like nine dollars for a radioactive egg bath from hell

 **realredrobin:** It's soap posed Lee cocoa butter dyed a ducking ridiculously bright yellow

 **realredrobin:** Why does it look like melting butter

 **realredrobin:** Or eggs

 **realredrobin:** It even has the texture of eggs

 **realredrobin:** Ewe I just grossed myself out

 **realredrobin:** I wanna turn the lights off but I. Can’t reach the switch from within the tub

 **AwesomeGuy:** rip

 **AwesomeGuy:** yell @ a ninja 2 get it 4 u?

 **AwesomeGuy:** [lol like tht smart home meal service ad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_EOqVZoSvs)

 **realredrobin:** I _want_ to turn the lights off, Con, but I’m not _desperate_.

 **AwesomeGuy:** time to upgrade the Robin Nest into a legit smart house!!!

 **AwesomeGuy:** whoooooooo!!

 **AwesomeGuy:** yeaaaaa!!!

 **realredrobin:** Uh yeah no not happening

 **realredrobin:** I don’t need emphasis more ways for ~people~ to spy on me

 **AwesomeGuy:** just saying theres probably a ninja rite outside ur door

 **AwesomeGuy:** 1 yell n theyll hit the lights 4 u

 **realredrobin:** Con I am trying to _relax_

 **AwesomeGuy:** kinda surprised they havent yet actually

 **realredrobin:** THESE THOUGHTS ARE NOT HELPING

 **AwesomeGuy:** ROFLMAO

 **realredrobin:** I can't take it anymore

 **AwesomeGuy:** STREAK STREAK STREAK

 **AwesomeGuy:** b the Flash u were always meant 2 b!!!

 **realredrobin:** Well that would make Damian screech in horror

 **realredrobin:** I just rubbed it in

 **realredrobin:** I just rubbed the cocoa butter into my skin comma not the image of my glorious nakedness into Damian's memory

 **AwesomeGuy:** BAHAHAHAHA OMG THIS IS GREAT

 **realredrobin:** YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO'S BRIGHT DONKEY YELLOW

 **AwesomeGuy:** nah im the 1 w a bright ass yellow bff i get 2 laugh @

 **realredrobin:** Hardy har har

 **realredrobin:** I'm like a bird I only want to fly

 **AwesomeGuy:** i gathered tht from u throwing urself off shit

 **realredrobin:** No, Penis keeps trying to add me to video chats while I'm in the ducking bathtub

 **realredrobin:** Open bracket that’s his ringtone)

 **AwesomeGuy:** PFFFFT

 **realredrobin:** DUCK I SENT HIM A MEME TELLING HIM TO GO AWAY AND HE SENT IT TO THE GROUP

 **realredrobin:** What the H E double hockeystick he added me back to the group?

 **realredrobin:** Well at least it wasn't Damian

 **AwesomeGuy:** i can here his indignant squawking already~

 **realredrobin:** And because it wasn't Damian I didn't get a lecture about how bad it looks when a twelve year old sends a meme that says "off you duck" to several adults in your life blah blah blah

 **realredrobin:** Now it just looks like Penis being a penis

 **AwesomeGuy:** i am seriously loving this text replacement

 **realredrobin:** (I am too)

 **realredrobin:** (don't tell Penis close parentheses

 **AwesomeGuy:** rite y did u go yellow nyway

 **realredrobin:** I used a bath bomb question mark

 **AwesomeGuy:** yes i get that

 **AwesomeGuy:** Y did u use a bath bomb

 **realredrobin:** Instead of dot dot dot ?

 **realredrobin:** Strikethrough i also use shampoo bars, shower gels, and bubble bars. I may or may not have an obsession

 **AwesomeGuy:** like what is the purpose of a bath bomb

 **realredrobin:** the quote is what is the purpose of a rubber duck

 **AwesomeGuy:** sidenote--do u have a rubber duck?

 **realredrobin:** Yep! It's a Wonder Duck

 **AwesomeGuy:** love. it.

 **realredrobin:** Bath bombs are for skin softening, aromatherapy, general relaxation

 **realredrobin:** Also to marinate yourself in with nice things

 **realredrobin:** Except when it's highlighter yellow and all caps burning your eyes

 **realredrobin:** BURNING YOUR EYES

 **realredrobin:** Then it's not very relaxing but I smell very nice

 **AwesomeGuy:** soooo it's just about the smells?

 **realredrobin:** (and the Instagram likes)

 **realredrobin:** But yes

 **realredrobin:** I like the smells and usually colors and I've had some lovely experiences with bath bombs

 **realredrobin:** Just not this one

 **AwesomeGuy:** y dont u just take a showr

 **realredrobin:** I don't want a shower comma I want a emphasis bath but I don't want to have to stare at the Time Drake epidermal history of heartbreak while I'm at it!

 **AwesomeGuy:** so its a bubble bath?

 **realredrobin:** They can be bubble bath but this one doesn't bubble butt

 **realredrobin:** This one doesn't bubble much, that one's on me

 **realredrobin:** So it can be a bubble bath thing but this one is more of an aromatherapy thing

 **realredrobin:** They can moisturize your skin, too comma or cover you in glitter

 **AwesomeGuy:** tell me more :D

 **realredrobin:** Have you ever wanted to have glitter in places glitter should never be

 **realredrobin:** Because that's what a glitter Lee bath bomb is like

 **AwesomeGuy:** 1 word 4 u Rob:

 **AwesomeGuy:** why

 **AwesomeGuy:** u willingly submit urself 2 glitter????

 **realredrobin:** I don’t even know sometimes

 **realredrobin:** But like have you ever looked at a bunch of soaps with glitter in them and think, “Ah yes, this will solve all my emotional problems”

 **AwesomeGuy:** ill b honest Rob

 **AwesomeGuy:** cant say i have

 **AwesomeGuy:** like cissie said shes looked @ the stationary aisle and

 **AwesomeGuy:** ~felt joy~ or smth

 **realredrobin:** No listen Con

 **realredrobin:** A bunch of glitter to your face? Feels like home honestly

 **AwesomeGuy:** ur nuts

 **AwesomeGuy:** but ur my nut so

 **AwesomeGuy:** u no what

 **realredrobin:** 'glitter will totally solve all my problems' I think, shoving bath bombs like breadsticks into my bag

 **AwesomeGuy:** im inspired

 **AwesomeGuy:** im gonna try a bathbomb

 **realredrobin:** [indecipherable] im yelling

 **realredrobin:** space tea space age space eh space n space kay

 **realredrobin:** glad my manic rantings about bath bombs could inspire you :D

 **AwesomeGuy:** dont think ill liveblog it tho

 **AwesomeGuy:** no speech to text here

 **realredrobin:** TNT

 **realredrobin:** SOBBING FOREVER

 **realredrobin:** Con’s first bathbomb but experienced only by him

 **AwesomeGuy:** ~~me just barely figuring out what the microphone on my iphone’s keyboard does? Maybe™~~

 **AwesomeGuy:** and im not like ~some people~ struggling to type on my own with wet hands

 **realredrobin:** Cassie is a brave, brave soul

 **AwesomeGuy:** awww, Rob, if u have tht many sads, u should just b there

 **AwesomeGuy:** i no a guy

 **AwesomeGuy:** can get u front row seats ;)

 **realredrobin:** :o

 **realredrobin:** _Kon_

 **AwesomeGuy:** :D

 **realredrobin:** You, me, that Bouquet of Lillies place for a bath bomb, Friday

 **AwesomeGuy:** its a date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Search terms:  
> Feb05: ori -> orianthi guitarist (thanks, Google!), yog nog lush, it started out with a kiss how did it end up like this -> it started out with a kiss how did it end up like this fob, devil went down to georgia, devil went down to georgia lyrics, songs about a devil -> Wikipedia: Category:Songs About the Devil  
> gimme lyrics -> gimme lyrics alice cooper, devil is a loser lyrics ... Damian wouldn't be trying to add Tim to a group call anyway!
> 
> April25: abreviate “something”


	3. Dick & Jason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick and Jason disagree about killing ... sorta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by "Its MY funeral I get to choose who gets buried!" ([x](http://heartslogos.tumblr.com/post/179789084568/its-my-funeral-i-get-to-choose-who-gets-buried)) so almost a month late for Jason's death day:

Nightwing heavens a sigh, asks His Holy Alfred for patience, and drops down near Red Hood.

“”Fuck off, dick.””

N doesn’t even bother admonishing him for using names over the comms given that Hood clearly wasn’t using his name. He does say, “B sent me.”

Hood grabs the body draped over the back of his bike. “Does it look—“ Heaves it off his bike. “—like I—“ Drags it across the concrete. “—give a fuck?”

Sotto voce, N says, “Not particularly.”

No reaction.

He raises his voice, speaking properly this time: “Alfred won’t be happy.”

Hood straightens and sneers, “ _Alfred_ won’t?”

N shrugs. “I’m just passing it along.”

Hood crouches beside the body, begins fiddling with the ropes. “Good on ya, message received.” Yanks a knot tight. “Bye now~!”

“Alright then.” N retrieves his grapple, checks that it’s primed. “It’s your funeral.”

“Damn right it is.” Hood stands. “So’s the way I see it, _I_ get ta decide who the fuck gets buried.” A sharp kick—

A resounding splash as the body hits the water.

“We done here, dickface?”

“That we are, Clithead.” N fires his grapple. “Catch you on the flip side!” N sends himself skyward—with a few somersaults because really, who can resist a pun?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I actually wrote this in 2018/11/05 in a chat with a friend XD )


End file.
